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  Sex Toys for the Trailer Park Budget #3:
Budget Ben-wa, Beads 'n Balls
No joke here...I don't bite on the cheap set-up lines.
Last updated 09/05
Balloons: An Introduction | Balloon Bombs | Balls, Beads 'n' Ben-wa | Found Accessories | Other Useful Toys

"What are you doing with my marbles, Daddy?"

Here's my raw materials: You probably saw this on a different page. The trick to making this work is mixing the materials...and, where possible, using the hardest materials you can find. The pool balls are from a child's pool set, and are made of what I believe is hard, heavy polymer. Real pool balls are not recommended unless your asshole has been stretched to the point that you can reach in and pull out your own turds without denting them, or your pussy has been pounded into roughly the size and shape of a garden shed. The row of medium-sized one-color balls at the bottom are from a child's magnet set, and while these do have interesting possibilities, they're not very effective in this application for reasons I'll explain in the how-to.

Trust me...that's a question you don't want to have to answer. So get your own before attacking this little 60-second do-it-yourself pleasure project. See the image below and read the caption before continuing.

This was a relatively late discovery but one of the more surprisingly fun two-bit toys I've ever encountered.

Ben-wa balls, in case you don't know yet, are an Oriental curiosity dating back at least a century. The idea is this: a small hard ball is placed inside a larger, hollow (usually metal) ball, and the larger ball is then filled with fluid (water, perhaps thickened with something safe such as glycerin, or a non-toxic oil) and sealed. These are then used in pairs, typically by women, for insertion into the yoni, which I've been told is what Chinese babes have instead of a pussy...I never actually seen one to know for sure. As the woman moves, the balls gently rub against each other, producing a kind of gentle vibration (this is why metal is typically preferred to plastic), and in addition, the small ball rolls and knocks against the inner surface of the larger ball, producing a second type of sensation. Older women might use these while sitting in a rocking chair; younger women might insert them and wear them to liven up chores or any other dreary event.

In the last few decades, ben-wa balls have become staple items in sex shops, and while typically quite expensive - better ones might run you more than $50 a pair - they're typically a lifetime purchase since they'll never wear out or break.

There is no substitute for a quality set of ben-wa balls, and as many men have discovered, the fun isn't limited to women. Inserted anally, they produce the same effect, and while it isn't as dramatic for men, the right size of ben-wa ball can act as a "male g-spot" stimulator by pressing and gently stimulating the prostate from within the anus.

Actually, takes a lot of balls to have fun with homemade sex toys. There. I bit on a cheap set-up line after all. I couldn't resist. Hey, when I wrote this page I hadn't gotten laid in months. Humor me.

Home-brew his'n'hers ben-wa

Mighty Beanz

These were a real find, and one of the most versatile toy pieces I ever discovered. These "beanz" are hard plastic capsule shapes with a smaller magnetic ball-bearing inside each bean. You'd think that would make them perfect mini ben-wa balls, but that's the one thing they don't do well. Their shape lends them to use for other things, such as cheap-ass anal beads, butt plugs for tightasses, and when bagged together in a balloon or condom, as a "ben-wa bag". I seriously cannot recommend too highly that you lay in a couple dozen of these little beauties if you ever run across them at a dollar store or garage sale. They weren't big sellers as kids' toys, so they might not be easy to find a few years down the road, and they're tough as nails so a couple dozen should literally last you a lifetime.

"These happy little fellers
with their happy little faces
Just love to go explorin'
in warm, dark places.
The happy tippy-tappin'
of their feet upon the ground
Gives a happy little feeling
and a happy little sound."

At least, that's how you'd damn well better explain it to the kids when they find these in your bedtable drawer, which you just know is gonna happen eventually.

Top: For either of you: three different styles of small "butt plug" toys. The blue one uses a large gumball or marble at the "stopper" end. Experienced gays and regular sufferers from constipation will probably want to try something like the 12-ball at the top of this page or a squash ball as the "stopper".

Middle: for her, three "ben-wa beanz" in a loose balloon for frontal insertion; the more the merrier, I've been told, although comfort tends to drop at about the eight-beanz level, and the balloon gets quite uncomfortable after an hour or so if it's not lubricated before insertion.

Bottom: A bit too tight or squeamish for jelly beads? Try a string of Mighty Beanz inside a long worm or sculpting balloon...the gaps between the beanz should form naturally as long as you don't stretch the balloon before filling it. Grease up the beanz before insertion or you'll have a hard time slotting them into place, or invert the balloon and pull it over the beanz if you want them to fit tightly in a particular arrangement and stay put once the balloon is sealed. If you want to create wider gaps between the beads, turn the balloon inside-out, use only dry beanz, and fold the inside-out balloon over each bean as you insert it...they should stay in place once the "string" is completed.

You can get a similar "bead string" effect by tying a knot in the balloon between each bean, and doing this allows you to grease the beanz first for easy insertion into the balloon without affecting the bead-string effect. If you use a condom, you'll have to tie a knot after each bead because of the lube, and use two condoms because they can split easily when pulled with too much force.

Marble mania

After my disappointment with the Mighty Beanz, I didn't think I could get an effect comparable to real ben-wa balls using the cheap-shit raw materials discussed on this site...until I was playing with marbles one night. Glass marbles in a balloon or condom with an ounce of water, Astro-Glide or vegetable oil (be very careful with any other kinds of oil or goop) are not quite perfectly smooth, so in water they produce a strange vibe-y sort of sensation in addition to the clacking motion when they click against each other. Fewer than a half-dozen marbles probably won't be very effective; more than a dozen might be a tight fit. The balloon or condom doesn't need to be tied off to test the results either frontally or backally, so grease up your orifice of choice and experiment to find the right number and filler liquid (if any) for your requirements before actually tying off the neck.

Medium-sized balloons have the advantage over rubbers of being pre-stretched and allowing for easy motion of the marbles. You won't get the same action from a marble-filled condom without using filler liquid, because the condom will stretch more tightly around a handful of marbles, limiting their freedom to move around inside the balloon. Getting the liquid filler amount right is probably the single trickiest part of the process...the right amount will provide you with super sensation from every subtle movement.

Don't be discouraged if your first couple of tries produce disappointing results...this is why you don't tie off the neck until you get a usable result. I had to try several different configurations before finding a design that worked for me.

Bonus tip: ping pong balls

Ping-pong ben-wa balls? Not the hot idea you might think at first. For starters, cheap ping pong balls are an absolute no-no. They're thin and brittle, and when they break, they can make jagged and very sharp points that can gouge through your innards like a fork tine through soup scum. Thicker, heavier "pro" balls, on the other hand, can be great fun as cheap ben-wa balls, but they're not the easiest things in the world to work with. Try to melt a hole in one with a cigarette and you might be surprised at how quickly - and how far - the hole grows...and the fumes from these babies are extremely toxic. Drilling them is equally difficult, and cutting holes with a blade ain't no picnic either.

Even if you do figure out a way to put a hole in one of the tough "pro" balls, what can you put into it? You won't fit anything as large as a beanz or a marble...maybe plastic air-gun pellets, bird shot, vegetable oil or quarter-inch ball bearings, but not much else. If you can, you've made the hole too large, and it won't seal properly and will split too easily...a very dangerous - I seriously mean emergency-room dangerous - possibility.

Plus there's the surface issue. It's far too rough for insertion unless you grease it with something as thick as shortening or petroleum jelly. You'd have to put the finished product into a rubber...double-thick at least, too, in case a split forms in the ball...because you'll never get one of these inside a balloon. know, the more I think about it, the more, no, I really don't think laceration scars on my colon are anything I'd want to show off to a date.

Bonus tip: hard-boiled eggs

Simple tip here: don't use 'em. They're too ubiquitous, and some day they'll be a fad. Now, everybody snickers at bananas; nobody thinks twice about anyone who snickers at the phallic suggestion of a banana or carrot. But here's a newsflash for you from the produce department. You're not the only one who scans the faces of the chicks in the room every time someone serves zucchini squash or cucumbers to see which of the ladies' expressions suggest a past familiarity with that vegetable's more exotic uses. If hardboiled eggs ever do become a sexual fad and you have prior experience in that area, everyone's gonna be looking for that expression, and your face is going to be your worst enemy at every luncheon buffet you attend for the rest of your life. Fuckin' embarrassing if you're female. Social suicide if you're male and straight.

They also make a hell of a mess if they're not wrapped in something like a condom, but like I said, that's probably the least of your worries.

Let me make it easier for you. Having warned against them, you'll probably want to try the old "hardboiled-egg-in-a-condom blackjack" at the very next opportunity. So allow me to immunize you from this possible faux-pas. Track down a picture of me anywhere on this site and think for a moment about how I'd look with a hardboiled egg up my ass and the ring end of the condom wagging between my legs. Imagine this picture as vividly as you can. Focus-group research demonstrated conclusively in 2010 that no one with that image in their head will ever again be able to derive sexual gratification from a hardboiled egg.

And if this still isn't working, imagine a smushed hard-boiled egg in a see-through condom. Think that'll go over well with your partner? 'Cos sure as hell, unless your ass-slash-pussy has seen more traffic than a McDonalds drive-through on free-McMuffin day, that's what'll happen to the egg before you get it halfway in.

Unless, that is, you boil the egg for about twice as long as normal until it's nice an' rubbery.'re welcome.

A few things to remember

You could have thought of this stuff yourself. But you didn't, and you have zero experience at this. So pay some fucking attention. At the top of the page you'll see a small sampling of the balls from my "spice caddy" . There's not a whole lot to remember here, but there are a few important points to keep in mind when browsing the toy shelves at your local dollar store.

...ideas and reminders...
Skimping by using a single condom to hold your marbles and balls isn't necessarily the best idea...unless you find that the random breakage of the condom adds to your enjoyment, which it just might. Triple-wrapping the marbles in condoms or balloons .
Clean all marbles and balls as thoroughly as your dinner dishes. New marbles will have potentially toxic manufacturing and packaging residues on them, and used ones could be smeared with anything from petshit to baby spit.
Unlubricated condoms might produce a better friction effect than lubricated, since dry marbles will create more sensation when rubbing together than marbles coated in lube. Experiment with both to see which you prefer; the difference in effect between unlubricated and lubricated condoms can be anywhere from mild to quite dramatic.

Rule 1: Careful with the hard stuff! Remember where these balls will be going. The ping-pong ball warning applies here as well: any kind of ball which is both hard and brittle is a bad idea, and could result in a painful and messy accident, and possibly even a medical emergency. A perforated colon or torn vaginal wall is nothing to sniff at(1). Hard solid glass, solid metal, and high-impact plastics (hollow or solid) are pretty much the only hard substances that you want to mess with for these toys.

Rule 2: This is one area where soft doesn't necessarily mean useless. Softer "super balls" of various sizes are fun to have around as "stoppers" and as beads for balloon bead-strings, but they don't lend themselves to applications where you want a clicking or vibratey effect.

Rule 3: Know your hygiene. Balloon toys can be washed and reused, but only in the same orifice, and only when disinfecting soap is used. Condom toys are single-use items only...the contents should be washed and re-packed in fresh rubber after each use.

Rule 4: You bought it/borrowed it/stole it, you own it! It's in really, really bad taste to "borrow" your balls from your own or the neighbor's kids, or to "recycle" balls used in sex toys except under one condition: donations to charity or another anonymous recipient. I mean, think about this. How the hell are you going to explain your expression to some kid to whom you've just given a bag of marbles, Mighty Beanz or super balls? And while you're thinking of that, guys, ask yourself how the hell you'll explain the expression on your face that the neighbor kid described to his ex-tackle dad? Then again, if you're really sure that they're really that ignorant...


1. This is one cheap set-up line I'm not going to touch. I happen to know of such injuries first-hand; in fact, I once spilled a full cup of just-boiled instant coffee in my lap while wearing jeans. I wore a medical codpiece for a week and a half and had blisters on my bag for nearly three weeks. you can make a joke, and the pressure's not on me any more. ("Nothing to sniff at" indeed!) >>Back>>

This document is copyright 2005 Cub Lea, all rights reserved. For reprint information, contact the publisher. For reproduction information, I recommend a remedial sex education course.

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